Woman, if he beats you, he’ll kill you

It was in 1996, in the state of Maryland where I once lived. A Nigerian couple, Nancy and Andy (not their real names), lived in the same US city I called home. Andy had desired to get married, but he insisted that his partner must either be a doctor or a nurse, for reasons known only to him. The two met in Lagos. Nancy, a registered nurse from Nigeria, later joined her husband after their lavish wedding ceremony back home in Lagos. Andy had been in the US for ten years and worked as a rehabilitation assistant at a group home for the elderly.

After Nancy passed her US Nursing Board Examination and started earning $30 per hour, things took a dark turn as the marriage became strained. For four years, Andy, who made $7 per hour, controlled all the family finances, including Nancy’s earnings. Poor Nancy had to get approval from her controlling husband for even the smallest purchases, such as sanitary pads. When Nancy finally decided she could no longer tolerate this, physical and emotional abuse began.

Nancy and I worked together in the same Health care facility. One day, I saw her come to work hobbling out of her 1994 Nissan Sentra with visible bruises around her left eye. Despite the heavy makeup, she couldn’t hide her injuries.

“What happened?” I asked. She forced a smile and said, “Nothing, Willie, nothing.”
She was clearly in pain, not just physically but also emotionally. The pain was all over her demeanor.  After four hours of working the shift together, she finally opened up to me.

 “It’s my husband. He hit me. He said he was going to kill me. I fought back, but he’s stronger. I’m tired, Willie. I’m tired of this constant beating… but…” she trailed off, shaking her head.

“But what?” I asked.
“I love him, Willie. I love Andy. Yes, he beats me, but I love him.”
Comforting words from the Bible didn’t readily spring up in my head. However, I felt compelled to tell her these words:  “Any husband who beats his wife will one day kill the woman.”

Unfortunately, stories like Nancy’s are not uncommon. In some cases, women have been murdered by their abusive husbands. In many societies, abusive relationships are often normalised. In such cultures, a wife may be viewed as property to be used or disciplined by her husband. Men may feel entitled to beat their wives for reasons ranging from refusal of sexual advances to failing to complete household chores. When these men relocate abroad, they often continue their controlling and abusive behavior. Men are also susceptible to being abused by women. Physical abuse of husbands by their wives is often underreported due to societal stigma, traditional gender roles, and the perception that men cannot be victims of domestic violence. Men may be less likely to seek help due to embarrassment or fear of not being believed. Men, like women, can suffer physical injury, emotional trauma, and social isolation due to abuse. The effects may be compounded by societal expectations that men should not show vulnerability or admit to being victims.

While physical abuse leaves visible scars, emotional abuse is often the most traumatic. It builds over time, bottling up anger, frustration, and pain until it explodes. Men and women who endure emotional abuse may suffer in silence for years before finally reacting in destructive ways.

Historically, women have been the primary victims of domestic violence, and the epidemic is also present in our faith places, especially the church. It’s not just a concern for the congregation; it is a big problem found on the pulpit too. Many cultures have had patriarchal systems that integrated or overlooked the abuse of women within marriage. However, over the past few decades, there has been increased awareness, advocacy, and legislation aimed at protecting women from abuse. Physical abuse against wives may include hitting, slapping, kicking, strangulation, or the use of weapons. It can also involve controlling behavior, such as isolating the victim from family or friends, financial control, and threats of further violence.

But what happens when a man feels betrayed by the woman he built up, and invested time and treasure in? When a wife, supported through college and training by her husband, begins to see the man as no longer good enough for her new status, the emotional toll on the man can be immense. What happens if the arm of another man becomes the cuddling corridor of somebody else’s wife? No matter what errors your spouse may commit, physical abuse is never the answer—walking away is. Abusive relationships can escalate to tragic outcomes if both parties fail to address the underlying issues. The physical abuse of wives by their husbands is a serious violation of human rights and has devastating consequences for the victims, their families, and society as a whole.

 While significant progress has been made in raising awareness and implementing legal protections, much work remains to be done to ensure that women worldwide can live free from the threat of violence in their homes. Support systems, public awareness campaigns, and education programmes that challenge traditional gender norms and promote healthy, non-violent relationships are critical in addressing and preventing domestic violence. If a husband is physically abusing his wife, or the wife is causing emotional trauma to her husband, it’s time for an emergency reevaluation of the relationship. Without intervention, these situations often end with one spouse dead and the other behind bars. If children are involved, the consequences are even more devastating, as they may end up being raised by strangers. What must a woman in an abusive relationship do in that horrible situation? If she were my daughter, I would tell her to leave the house immediately. No parent should have to bury a child because of the misbehavior of a schizophrenic and violent spouse.
So, what happened to Andy and Nancy in my story? Nancy went back to school and earned her Nurse Practitioner degree. She took control of her finances. This move triggered several altercations and eventually forced Nancy to call the police when Andy choked her. Charges were pressed, and Andy was slammed behind bars for assault and battery.

X-@Folaojotweet